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Thank You Alexander

by Mary Middlefield

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1.
Thank you Alexander Thank you for your time You couldn’t fake your feelings Words can’t always rhyme
2.
Last Letter 05:26
Dear friend, Hello again We already spoke Called you today: surprise ! No rhyme or reason, I know Just wanted to hear your voice Your scars spread like a riverbed I admit the pain’s not lost And in the tracks of what we left unsaid A slow trickle of joy bleeds from the frost My letters are coming to an end Might be the last one you ever get All my love, dear friend Words I ripped out of my gut So cruel yet so true, love The stages of heartbreak: they’re infinite I learned to play an instrument All the lessons I had to learn again How to breath And live without the oxytocin School ain’t out for summer ‘round here Reading this must be so boring My letters are coming to an end Might be the last one you ever get All my love, dear friend My words aren’t saying goodbye forever Plenty more thoughts to live through My eyes are more red than blue Baby, this is my last letter May your heart glow in the dark And your light shine through Baby, this is my last letter May your heart glow in the dark I love you
3.
Laying under blue skies talking to you I haven’t met you yet, someday I’ll get to Knowing me I’d fuck it up My hearts locked in a casket I’m not gonna open it But I’d love to wear your jacket My room’s pretty warm though So maybe I have to lose a shoe Or follow some yellow brick road Before finding my way to you ‘til then This one’s for you You can’t hear me, thinking out loud I know you exist, where are you in the crowd? I can’t shut my eyes when it’s dark You might be right here in the park And nobody’s handing out clues ‘cause my heart still has that bruise I can’t be bothered to get out there So maybe I have to sell my voice Or cut off all my hair To take one step closer to you ‘til then I’ll wait for you It’s midnight in my childhood bedroom Hand me a bottle of wine So desperate to fall in love I’m talking to a fantasy groom Hiding in my room, writing songs about you You might not exist, but if you do This one’s for you
4.
I have conflicting feelings When it comes to you You’ve been ignoring me For the past two weeks Have I done something wrong To upset you now? I hate you so much I’m starting to love you Oh man, why, why, why Did you feel the need to abuse my mind? Oh man, why, why, why Oh man why did I fall for you? I remember when I met you God, I hated you back then You petted me discreetly No one could have known Two thousand one’s my birth year And a year you won I met your parents last week Bro they had no clue Oh man, why, why, why Did you feel the need to abuse my mind? Oh man, why, why, why Oh man why, did I fall for you? Oh man, if you knew How many songs I write about you Oh man, if you knew How much I cry My mama says I’m losing my mind Sometimes I wish we never met But if you were to leave today I’d miss you right away For sure, something about you makes me stay When you hear this will you hate me? Will you miss me? Feel betrayed? When you hear this will you hate me? I’m sorry, I’m setting myself free
5.
Mama told me 02:38
Mama always told me I was special She never doubted me When I cry myself to sleep She tucks me in Last night I had a dream She was gone I can’t shake the feeling That loved ones have to leave Some say, for a better place I’m scared of what awaits Papa told me I was brave I always doubted that When I strike him with my laugh He reminds me to behave I keep track of every word And of each pat on the shoulder Writing this is hard I’m petrified​​​​ By the thought his grave I can’t be that brave I can’t be that brave (I can’t be that brave) I can’t that brave (I can’t be that brave) I can’t be that brave
6.
Side B 00:55
7.
Firearm 03:31
Sound of silence when you’re gone Agelastic moods when I’m alone Cupid forgot to shoot his arrow Hope stays like the smell of burnt tobacco And after all this time, you’re never really gone Sound of silence when you’re here Alas, all feelings start to disappear Cracks start creeping through the foundation Harmony was never part of the equation And after all this time, you’re still not here ​​​​​ Touched him instead of touching you Endlessly kissed him instead of you Enchanted by his charms Now guilt shoots like a firearm Touched him instead of touching you Endlessly kissed him instead of you Enchanted by his charms Now guilt shoots like a firearm Mesmerizing moments of warmth Attraction to one another Rousing moments between sheets Infused with you my lover Abruptly vanished all the beauty So I… Touched him instead of touching you Endlessly kissed him instead of you Enchanted by his charms Now guilt shoots like a firearm Touched him instead of touching you Endlessly kissed him instead of you Enchanted by his charms No excuse for what I did But, where were you?
8.
Requiem 00:45
Requiem Aeternam Dona Eis Domine Et lux perpetua Luceat eis
9.
You collect people like prey You, you seemed to keep me alive Just like meat under sharp knives I trust and you betray Few people stay by my side They say “I’m sorry but I tried” Suddenly everyone’s gone In the end, everyone dies alone Would it be too much to ask? Would it be too much to ask? For you, to show up at my funeral Come and shed a tear for show Come and shed a tear for show I bet you’ll smile beneath your mask Please, tell my family Who really caused this casualty You were the first one to light the matches My old self dusted to ashes
10.
Mr John 04:26
I can’t fall asleep tonight Man, I feel strange Something’s about to explode My body’s screaming out loud I had a bad day I fought with mom She lectured me And I listened There’s a man in the story Let’s call him Mr. John He holds authority Mr. John has a wife She’s always away He doesn’t call her much And likes it this way I want the world to love me I try so hard This can’t be right My phone rings late at night I feel like shit And don’t know why I get nightmares when I daydream He knows I get self-conscious Tries to make me feel Some type of way And I get scared by the thought of saying no Mr. John got mad today He expected a reward Didn’t slam the brakes to stop I almost got away I have a secret I hold on to It’s too ugly to share the story of Mr. John Ain’t over yet But I won’t tell you more about it
11.
Band Aid 04:36
No one ever heard A story I’m about to tell The actors were hiding from the audience A little game of hide don’t seek One secret, so unique Two pairs of glow in the dark eyes Bright scenes and screaming flashing lights A flaming fever within Made nights stop and heads spin Then it all went down Bet I fucked it up ‘cause I wanted you around My innocence, The prize you laid eyes on I still have sand on my sweater From those nights you don’t remember When I licked your wounds And you left me stranded The role I played: just a band aid Two pairs of glow in the dark eyes Bright scenes and screaming flashing lights The public still awaits The show’s already a wake Now, that the script got scrapped, shredded​ « We » will never be « We » will never be A question I would like to ask I would like to ask Is what were we? What were we? What were we? You keep coming back, showing up Never fully play your part (You keep coming back, showing up Never fully play your part) Before I’m out tell me What were we? What were we? What were we? Two pairs of glow in the dark eyes Bright scenes and screaming flashing lights The arena burned down The role I played: just a band aid
12.
Case Closed 04:09
Honey, I missed you so back then Kept losing the battle over and over again Your memory, all over me like a stain Felt like we were tied to a chain You found a way to set yourself free Unstoppable tears resting on my cheeks Oh, they wouldn’t dry But with time I finally made my peace All I ever wanted was to be loved But honey your crime will never be solved It’s over, case closed All I ever wanted was to be loved But honey your crime will never be solved It’s over, case closed Oh, it seems like you moved on my dear A new girl in your bed, now I’m a souvenir I once put all my faith in you Even when you went dark and blue I always put up with your shit Your loveless knife stabbed the butterflies That’s the crime, you chose to commit All I ever wanted was to be loved But honey your crime will never be solved It’s over, case closed All I ever wanted was to be loved But honey your crime will never be solved It’s over, case closed You were never found guilty of your crime Boy instead, I did, oh I did my time Your weapon was never found In this lonely cell, I couldn’t hear a sound I was never loved (Case closed) You never got what you deserved (Case closed) You made a fool of me (Case closed) You still disagree Case closed This story’s getting old

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released February 22, 2023

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Mary Middlefield Lausanne, Switzerland

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